As Kartik comes to an end,a feeling of fulfillment, yet unhappiness overcomes me. My heart is desolate, my soul is saddened, and my mind is in despair. All I can think about is when I can be this close to my beloved again. I don't know what is it that makes me feel that only during the perfectly auspicious and wonderful month I am directly in His line of vision, that I'm physically being crushed by His empowering embrace, and that He is glancing upon me with His loving lotus eyes. Tears come to my eyes as my brain is envisioning Him being sidetracked now by the rest of the world, sinless and sinners alike, obliged to go back to His work as the maintainer. Even though I know that it is not so, my heart is enflamed with the unrealistic feeling of seperation. Selfish as I am, the only cure that seemed to work for me was having my loving Gopal in my home and therefore always giving me His love.
My prayers have intensified for these last few days that I have to ability to command my Shyam's attention by giving Him all that I am. I pray and I pray that He may take me to His last remaining remnants in this world. I long to embrace the tree He jumped from into Yamuna to punish Kaaliya, I long to kiss the cows given the shelter of dust from His soft pink flower petal feet, I long to roll in the grass that has experienced His Ras Lila pastimes where he lovingly caressed Radhe's face, yet teased the gopis and disappeared, causing them pain and anxiety. I pray to travel the path which He used to lead His cows to the grazing grounds and I wish to give my pranams to His childhood home in Nanda Gao.
My last prayer is that I wish not to fall back down the the few inches that I have crawled closer to my Madan Mohan. I have come a few centimeters closer to binding him with my rope....I have come a few centimeters closer to to the tips of His feet which is eternally bathed with the tears of His Devotees. Although there is a much longer path to travel, I simply wish not to trip and fall backwards down this golden staircase, but pray to continue on in the journey into Govinda's warm loving heart. Within renewed Determination I remember my prayer on the first day of kartik : that I amy never take the holy dham for granted and that I may never commit any offense while I reside there.
Although it is immensely disturbing that Kartik is coming to an end, like I said, I also feel relieved and fulfilled. Relieved because I actually made it through when I thought i could not, and fulfilled beecause I have given an inkling of myself to my Lord, just as every other devotee following a vrata during Kartik has. I cannot even beging to describe the wonderful feeling of complete bliss that my month-long regimen has given me. I can't say that it was all easy though. There were days when I was so tired and had to push my self out of bed a 4am, or when i worked late and had to stay up even later to finish my rounds and my reading. Days when I when I was just too "busy". But i've realized that it is not an excuse. How can one be "too busy" for the one that loves us, for the one that maintains us, and for the one which we live our lives. Its like saying we're too busy for family, for our sons, daughters, moms, dads, sisters, brothers, friends, whoever. We would never say that to them, how can we think that we are to busy for Krsna Himself.
My dearest Shyam has given me this wonderful realization [ He is our most important family member..yes FAMLIY] and thus has lit a burning flame of love in my heart which I hope will never diminish. However none of this would have been attainable without the strong loving support of my dear friends and co-authors of this blog. Because of their friendship and association I have been able to come this far.
I hope that you all were succesful in your vrats, and that this kartik was as amazing and inspiring for you as it was for me. I pray for your blessings that Krsna may always be in my mind and heart and wish the love and blessings of the great Acaryas, Srimati Radharani, and Damodar upon you always!
Jay Sri Sri Radha Damodar!!!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment